The growing Roza family: Avalon's 3rd birthday in Heaven

Sometimes I think the week or two leading up to Avalon's birthday is harder than the actual anniversary of her birth date. This year not only did I have a busy toddler to distract me from my sadness and emptiness, but also the worry of a high risk pregnancy. I know that having Lilah partially helped heal our "empty arms" feeling after we lost Avalon. But of course our hearts still ache for her. We still wonder all the time...What would my 3 year look like now? What type of personality would she have? Would her little sister look and act anything like her? How would my life be different if she was here? I can't believe it's already been 3 years since I gave birth to my precious first born, my sweet Avalon.

We drove to Brentwood to stay with Edward's mother the weekend of Avalon's birthday. Her birthday fell on a Saturday this year. We set our alarm to wake us up very early on Saturday, July 14th, so that we could light a candle at 5:05 am, the time she was born. We lit a candle for her and spent a couple of moments just quietly remembering that heartbreaking day 3 years ago. Then we crawled back into bed to try and catch a few more hours of sleep. Later in the morning, we headed down the road to visit Edward's father at the nursing facility where he lives. Unfortunately, he had a rough night and had been put on medication to relax him. So he was a little out of it while we were visiting with him. He still enjoyed seeing Lilah, of course! And Lilah had fun running around and being cute for everyone.

Then we ran by the grocery store to buy mylar and latex balloons for Avalon. I found a super cute Sesame Street balloon and a great Little Mermaid balloon for her. I was slightly afraid Lilah would not want to give up the Sesame Street balloon, since she loves Elmo! We arrived at the cemetery and Edward spent some time cleaning up Avalon's headstone and the area surrounding it. Then we placed her new flowers in the cup and tied her mylar balloons to the cup. We wrote special messages to Avalon on the latex balloons, and then Edward and Lilah cut the ribbons to release the balloons up towards Heaven. Up towards my little sweetie. We left shortly after that since it was pretty hot outside. Avalon's headstone looks much better now with bright, new flowers and her birthday balloons.

It's tough to picture Avalon's birthday next year. By then she'll have another sibling here with us. But she still won't be here with us, she never will. A 4-year old next year. Sheesh. She'd be in preschool, prepping for kindergarten. But my memories of her are preserved as that beautiful 6 lb baby I cradled in my arms, those teeny tiny little hands I kissed, and those little cheeks and nose I stroked. Knowing I'd never get to see her again. Except in photos.

Happy 3rd Birthday to you, my beloved Avalon. I miss you so much and hate that I have to go through the rest of my life without you here. My arms and heart ache for you.

We lit a candle for Avalon at exactly 5:05 am in honor of the moment she was born.

The Roza Family. Visiting Papa Tony before heading to the cemetery.

Playing with Avalon's pinwheel while Daddy cleans up Avalon's headstone.

Supervising Daddy as he scrubs Avalon's headstone.

Getting the balloons ready while Lilah surveys the scene.

One of the balloon messages to my sweet Avalon.

Our little family celebrating Avalon's 3rd birthday. I'm 22.5 weeks pregnant with Snicker in this photo.

COMPARISON - Taken 2 years ago on Avalon's 1st birthday when I was 16 weeks pregnant with Lilah. Yes, I purposely wore the same shirt this year!

Together, Daddy and Lilah cut the ribbons to release Avalon's balloons towards Heaven.

There they go, up towards my sweet Avalon in Heaven.

Lilah was watching Avalon's balloons as they slowly disappeared from sight.

Avalon's birthday balloons, new flowers and new pinwheel.

Daddy and Lilah snuggling as we stand at Avalon's grave site.

The day after Avalon's birthday was the annual Portuguese Festa in Oakley. Attending the Festa is one of our annual traditions. I think we only missed the Festa twice since we started dating over 9 years ago. We missed it the year we got married because we were both on our bachelor/bachelorette parties that weekend. And we missed it the year Avalon was born because the Festa took place about 5 days after she was born and we were in no position to be social with anyone. We had fun this year at the Festa. Lilah enjoyed being shown off to all of Voa's friends. And there were several of Edward's family members there that we were able to eat and spend time with. The food served every year is always the same. It's a Portuguese specialty, and not really my favorite. So I always look forward to our after-Festa tradition...Cold Stone! Several of us went out for ice cream after the Festa and had a great time chatting and eating our delicious ice cream. Lilah napped on Daddy's shoulder the entire time we were there! Then we headed home to Sacramento after a busy weekend.