My NST's have started

We are in the 31st week of the pregnancy now. On Monday I had an OB appt with Dr. Burman. He listened to Cupcake's heartbeat again, and then did an ultrasound to check in on Cupcake and my fluid levels. All was well with the baby! Then later that day I had my first NST (non-stress test). The NST's take place at the hospital where Cupcake will be delivered in December. Sutter Memorial Hospital has an antenatal testing unit (ATU) and I'll be there twice a week for my NST's until the baby is born. During my NST, Cupcake's heartbeat was monitored continuously for over 20 minutes, and I was tracked to see if I was having any contractions. I also had an NST on Friday. An ultrasound was performed to check my fluid levels, as Cupcake had 2 slight decelerations in his/her heartbeat. But the nurse was very pleased with my fluid levels, and she said that the slight decelerations are normal for a baby under 32 weeks with more room to move than a baby at 32+ weeks.
Unfortunately, the closer we get to the end of this pregnancy, the more worried and paranoid I feel. I am constantly thinking of this precious child in my womb. His/her movements, activity, kicks, rolls, hiccups, etc. I'm worried that I'm going to drive myself crazy these next 6-7 weeks until this sweet child is in my arms, alive and healthy. Losing Avalon so late in my pregnancy just makes me even more scared that there is still so much time left, so many opportunities for something bad to happen to Cupcake. I'm trying to stay as positive as possible, but it's so hard. I'm not naive anymore. Not all pregnancies result in a healthy baby, or even a live birth. Babies die. Even after what appeared to be a seamless and smooth pregnancy, my first born baby died. I will forever be a grieving mother, no matter how many more children I have. I know that Avalon is watching over her little brother/sister, and my constant prayer is that God will let us keep this beautiful child that is currently in my womb.


Here's a picture of Cupcake's face. The baby kind of looks like Casper the friendly ghost!


I found this picture frame today at Kohl's. So perfectly fitting! What makes me angry is that instead of worrying that Cupcake will be a boy and this frame has a lot of pink...I'm worrying that we'll lose Cupcake and I'll have to put a picture of my angel baby in this frame.