Edward and I wanted to start trying for another baby towards the second half of 2011. It ended up being right around the time I quit my job, which was the end of September. I really wanted to have the kids close in age. My sister and I are only 16 months apart, and that worked out well over the years. We are still very close with each other. Edward and I were worried about our financial constraints now that I had just quit my job. But we knew that we would make it work. We have so much love for Lilah, and we know that we have love to share with more children as well.
So we commenced our baby-making efforts in late September. We were shocked and amazed when we got pregnant in our first month of trying. We were feeling so blessed. We both admitted to each other that we were a little nervous about having another baby on the way. I think we felt that way because it all happened so fast and we had barely gotten used to the idea that we were trying for another baby. We also wanted to make sure that I got enough 1-on-1 time with Lilah (now that I'm a stay-at-home-mom) before another baby came into the picture.
Here's a picture of my positive pregnancy test:
We kept our pregnancy a secret, except for telling a couple of our very best friends. It was impossible for me to not tell someone! I was bursting with excitement. We had planned to announce the big news to our families on Thanksgiving, when I was 10 weeks along. I didn't really have any nausea until about 6 weeks, so it wasn't hard to hide my pregnancy symptoms. With both of my girls, the nausea was pretty much my first symptom. With Avalon I first felt nauseous on day 31, and with Lilah it was around day 35. But with this new pregnancy, I did have some of the other classic pregnancy symptoms, so I wasn't too worried. We agreed that this baby would be nicknamed Tater Tot. Avalon was nicknamed Skittle, Lilah was Cupcake, and now we were to have a little Tater Tot...until the baby was born and we found out the baby's gender.
In the meantime, we had our first OB appt with Dr. Burman when I was exactly 8 weeks along. This appt was on 11/11/11. Of course we were nervous about how the appt would go, and anxious to see Tater Tot's heartbeat. The appt went very smoothly and we were so excited to see our baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor. We saw our little Tater Tot during the ultrasound, and Dr. Burman was very pleased with what he saw. The baby was measuring slightly small, measuring at about 7 weeks 3 days. Dr. Burman asked to see us back in 2 weeks instead of the standard 4 weeks. He said that due to our history, he wanted to keep a closer eye on us and the progress of our baby. That was just fine with me! Extra monitoring during my pregnancies is always okay by me. Our next appt was scheduled for 11/29/11, the Tuesday after Thanksgiving. Based on the calculations from my cycle, my due date was to be 6/22/12. I was super happy about having a June baby. My birthday is in June, and I love having my birthday 6 months away from Christmas. Not to mention, this baby and Lilah would only be 18 months apart. I thought that was great, just what I wanted.
Here's the first ultrasound picture of our little Tater Tot, taken on 11/11/11:
We proceeded to keep our pregnancy a secret from our families. I did share our big news with my angel mama's during our trip to Santa Barbara, which was the weekend following that first OB appt. All of my fellow angel mommies were so excited for us! I was feeling nauseous almost everyday, feeling pretty tired most days, and I was caring for Lilah all day, everyday. But that was exactly what I wanted! My baby girl home with me and another precious baby on the way.
We headed to the Bay for Thanksgiving weekend, super excited to share the news with our families now that I was almost 10 weeks along. That weekend I noticed that I didn't feel quite as nauseous as I had previously. Not sure if that was a sign or not. I chalked it up to traveling and being out of my normal routine. On Thanksgiving Day at the Pacheco's house in Manteca, we announced to Edward's family that we had another baby on the way. Later that evening, once we reached Concord, we announced our big news to my family. My mom was very happy! It felt so good to finally share our wonderful news with our families. I also shared my news with my best friend Marianne who is currently pregnant with her second child. She's due in early June. We both thought it was so awesome that we were once again pregnant at the same time. And again, less than 4 weeks apart! We were so excited to go through this journey together again.
The ball dropped on 11/29/11, the Tuesday after Thanksgiving. I had my next pre-natal appt that day. Edward went with me, and we had Lilah with us also. We thought the appt would go just fine. After all, we were there just for a check-up on the baby to make sure all was going smoothly. Dr. Burman started the ultrasound and I was watching the monitor the entire time. I noticed that he was spending a lot of time looking for the baby. And I couldn't see the obvious signs of a baby in there either. I've had enough ultrasounds and enough medical courses to know what I should be seeing...and I wasn't seeing it. I started to get worried and I knew something was wrong. He eventually gave a sigh and then stopped the ultrasound. Then Dr. Burman gave us the terrible news that the baby was not growing. I was supposed to be about 10.5 weeks along. But the baby was measuring barely above 7 weeks. And we didn't see a heartbeat either. I could tell that he was very upset for us, especially after what he knows we went through when we lost Avalon. We were completely shocked and stunned to find out that we were having miscarriage. After all, I still felt pregnant. I was still nauseous most days. I had received no warning signs. No spotting. No cramping. Nothing. No warning to prep me for such terrible news. Dr. Burman advised me that I would probably start bleeding soon and would pass the fetal tissue. And he said if I don't start bleeding soon, we can schedule a D&C if I would prefer that. We also scheduled an ultrasound to be performed at a diagnostic center just for confirmation on the baby's status and to check my uterus for abnormalities. Dr. Burman hugged me and then we left, still in shock.
Our ultrasound picture confirming the lack of growth:
I called my mom and sister in tears. I called a couple of my best friends in tears. It was hard to believe that we were being dealt this deck of cards. I guess I was hoping that after losing Avalon, God would give us a pass on the whole miscarriage thing. I know that miscarriages aren't exclusive to me. I have three good friends that have each had 2 miscarriages. And countless other women that I know have had a miscarriage along the way. I don't know how else to say it, other than...having a miscarriage just really sucks. It's such a cruel experience. You get pregnant when you want to get pregnant. You see a heartbeat and receive reassurance from your OB. Then out of nowhere, wham! Your world stops...again.
We waited for the cramping and bleeding to start. At the same time, I was waiting for the nausea to stop. But nothing happened. We saw Dr. Burman a week after receiving our terrible news. Since my body had not yet recognized that the baby had passed, we agreed to take matters into our own hands. I did not want to wait around for who knows how long, hoping my body would do what it was supposed to do. I did not want to be surprised when we had a lot of big events coming up. Lilah's 1st birthday and Christmas were just around the corner. I wanted the physical pain of the miscarriage to be over by then. The longer we waited, the longer it would take me to heal emotionally as well. Dr. Burman recommended a D&C. I had done some research and really did not want to go that route. There are risks with that procedure, and I very much did not want a D&C to jeopardize my fertility in any way. So we agreed that I would take a medication that would make my uterus release the fetal tissue.
On 12/12/11, Edward and I went into Dr. Burman's office in the afternoon and I took the medication Misoprostol. They had me wait there for 30 minutes to make sure I felt okay and to see if the meds were going to take effect. My brother Jacob was in town visiting and he was very helpful. He took Lilah for a walk and kept her busy in the waiting room so that Edward and I could have uninterrupted time with the doctor and nurse. The meds thankfully took effect rather quickly, even before we left the office. I spent the afternoon and evening resting on the couch while Edward and Jacob kept Lilah occupied. I had no appetite for dinner, but by 9 pm I was able to eat some soup. By then, the cramping was so severe it had turned into contractions. The contractions increased in severity and were excruciating over the next 3 hours. Just minutes before midnight, I had my final contraction. My body did what it needed to do, and then it was over.
I knew it was going to be painful, but W-O-W. The contractions were extremely painful. Poor Edward didn't know what to do. As I was breathing through the contractions, my throat got really dry, so he would bring me more water. And when it hurt so bad my legs shook, he held my legs so I wouldn't shake as intensely. Other than that, there really wasn't much he could do but stay by my side. It's hard enough to go through a miscarriage, but the pain of the contractions was very reminiscent of my delivery with Avalon. And that made it all worse. The epidural I received while laboring with Avalon didn't work properly, and I felt a lot of pain throughout my labor and delivery with her. I never went into labor with Lilah, never had any painful contractions with her. So the contractions associated with this miscarriage brought up a lot of the very painful memories and emotions that we felt when Avalon was delivered 2 and a half years ago. It's also somewhat traumatic to go through this experience at home without any medical professionals nearby in case something goes wrong.
I went back to Dr. Burman's office at the end of that week so he could confirm the medication had worked and my uterus had emptied. He was happy with what he saw, and they set me up to have blood work done after the 1st of the year to confirm that my hCG level was back to zero. I had blood drawn last week and received a call from the nurse a couple of days later confirming that my hCG was getting close to zero and that nothing further needed to be done. So now I have to wait for my body and cycle to return to normal. Then...who knows.
I am very thankful for the support I have received from so many of my family members and friends. Other than 1-2 people that were extremely insensitive, everyone else has been very understanding. All of the thoughts and prayers from my loved ones helped get me through this difficult time. One of my fellow angel mama's did something incredibly sweet. She is one of the Molly Bear makers and she moved my order to the top of the waiting list when she heard about our recent miscarriage. I had met Tamberly in person just the month prior during our Santa Barbara trip. She even knew I was pregnant before my own family members did! Tamberly has the most wonderful heart. She made sure that we received our Avalon Bear before Christmas. (I was on the wait list so far down that I probably wouldn't have received my bear until mid to late 2012.) Avalon Bear was made especially for us. She weighs 6 lbs, just like Avalon did when she was born. Tamberly also included a smaller bear for our Baby Roza that we just lost. Our little Tater Tot. For more information about the wonderful Molly Bears organization, their website is:
http://www.mollybears.com/
Here's a photo taken from my cell phone of our wonderful Avalon Bear and our little Tater Tot Bear.
I have faith that God will bless us with more healthy children. Edward said it well last month, "Our path to completing our family is going to be a long and difficult one." This miscarriage was a very painful reminder that we are on God's plan, not our own. My plan was to have my children close together. Less than 2 years apart. Now that's not possible. But that's not really important. Just being blessed with healthy children, whenever they arrive, is what matters. In the meantime, we have our beautiful blessing - our Lilah. Being a stay-at-home-mom with Lilah was a great distraction through this miscarriage. She keeps me so busy that I don't have much time to dwell on my pain and feel sorry for myself. Lilah is the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. The love I have for her is so strong, so amazing, that I cry every time I even think of something happening that would tear me apart from her. I look forward to sharing that love with more children in the future. I do believe that there will be more children in the future. I have to believe that.
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